When your boyfriend
comes to your house to cook you dinner,
you know that you've taken your relationship
to the next level.
There's something so sexy about the role reversal.
It's like the guy version of the girl wearing
the oversized football Jersey to the super bowl party.
Actually, if we go to a super bowl party,
I'd prefer you to wear something kind of formfitting.
Okay, I'm gonna... I'll wear what I want.
Josh, I'm so impressed.
I didn't know you were such a cook.
Oh, it's nothing.
I travel a lot for work,
so sometimes you have to get creative to eat well.
And a little sauce.
So now, you made everything on a panini press?
Yeah. It's a lot of food.
It actually took six panini presses.
Oh.
Go on, try the tilapia.
It's finished with a red bull glaze
of my own devising.
Yeah? Yep.
Cool, I feel like such a princess.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah? Pretty good, huh?
Was it... Did you get a bone?
Hey, babe, this is disgusting. Okay.
I know it sounds like I'm angry because it was disgusting
in my mouth, but I'm actually worried.
I don't know. Maybe all these years
drinking nothing but energy drinks
has left me legally taste-blind.
You know what? There's no shame in it.
I, too, cannot cook.
Ironically enough, my best friend, Gwen, asked me
to come to her house and cook Thanksgiving dinner for her.
She broke her arm.
Oh, you want to borrow one of the presses
off the cluster?
No, thank you.
Morgan's actually going to do the cooking.
A real caterer would cost me, like, 500 bucks,
and he said he'd do it for $50 and the turkey carcass.
So you're spending the holiday with your male nurse.
Try to keep your hands to yourself, okay?
I'll try.
You try to keep your hands off of your weird road hoochie.
You should try the tilapia. Did I mention the...
Josh, are you going to hook up with girls
when you're on your trip?
No.
I wasn't planning on it.
Josh, I honestly didn't mean to bring this up tonight,
but I have to ask you, are we exclusive?
Um, could we discuss this when I get back?
You mean when you come back riddled with stds
and I no longer want you?
Come on, that won't happen.
No, we can't discuss it then.
Josh, what's going on here?
Oh, I, um...
I think one of the 'nini presses
blew a fuse.
So, uh, rain check on this convo, and...
No, we are still having this conversation.
Oh, um, okay, got a little fire there.
Okay, you're not getting out of this.
We still need to talk about this. Oh, my God.
Wait, what are you doing?
No, don't come hide near me.
Josh, my kitchen is on fire.
Well, this feels like the beginnings of an emergency.
Yes, duh. Do something, do something, please.
Fan it.
It seems to be making it worse. I don't know.
Put... No, take care of this.
I'm gonna take up a station over here.
No, Josh...
You know what? Let's fight fire with fire.
what's the matter? You don't like shrimps?
No, it's... I try not to eat shrimp
before 8:00 a.M. On the subway usually,
but it's not that.
Is this, like, a matter of the heart or something?
I'm sorry. I can just... I'm very intuitive,
and I can kind of...
Yeah, it's Josh. We had a talk last night.
Ooh, that little hot piece sports lawyer...
Little blondie?
Yes. Yeah.
So I told him that I wanted to be exclusive.
Oh.
And then he said he wasn't ready.
So now he's out of town for a week,
and I just feel like he's in some hot tub,
you know, with strippers.
If that was me, I would be so exclusive with you,
I wouldn't let you hold dollar bills in your hand,
because there's pictures of dudes on them.
Thanks, Morgan.
I would chain you to my basement wall
so you wouldn't see anyone but me.
Morgan, Morgan. No, too much.
But thank you for saying that.
And for the record, hotto did you a favor,
'cause if he's not exclusies, you're not exclusies.
Yeah, I didn't think of it like that.
Oh, yeah.
You can do whatever you want wherever you want,
wherever you want. Gross.
Yeah. I'm going to keep that in mind.
Thanks for the advice. Yeah. You're welcome.
Betsy, thank you so much for including me
in your family's Thanksgiving festivities.
I'm so eager to learn more about this great country
and its folkways.
Besides, my only other invitation was with Shauna
on her tour of hotel minibars in Atlantic city.
I'm telling you, Dr. Reed,
my family isn't sophisticated like you and me.
I come from a long line of pretty lame people.
My ancestors got beat up on the mayflower.
See? We'll get on splendidly.
My ancestors financed the mayflower.
Besides, what's so terrible about your family?
No matter how old I get,
or how much time I spend in the city,
I'm still just a little kid to them.
Do you think I will be liked by your parents?
Oh, hard to say.
The only other english person they know is my GPS lady.
Prepare to turn right in 1/2 mile.
Thank you.
Oh, America.
So my wife is just taking the turkey out of the oven.
Why don't you stop by?
I'd love to, but I got plans.
Suit yourself.
Happy Thanksgiving, Dr. Castellano.
We don't want any.
He's been standing by the door
for an hour, waiting to say that.
That was so good. Please, come in.
Hi, oh, thank you so much.
Oh, shrimp!
Whoa. Your home is amazing.
Do you mind if I ask how much you paid for it?
I do, actually. I'm Carl.
Morgan. Ooh, nice squeezers.
And for the lady of the house, this is my vintage.
Some table wine right there... Two liters' worth.
There you go.
You got that, honey?
Kitchen time.
Hey, guys.
Dennis.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God!
That was horrifying. Are you okay?
Dennis, oh, my God.
You all right? Easy, easy.
Socks and a hardwood floor... A recipe for disaster.
Dennis, what are you doing here?
Uh, my own stunts, apparently.
Speaking as a doctor, you should be dead.
But as a person, um, that was hilarious.
Oh, it didn't look super cool?
I think you're in shock.
You know what? I-I think I can do this.
I'm going to try it again.
No, no, no, no.
You just cheated death, my friend.
Don't... don't try to...
Yeah, yeah. Take a lean.
Thank you.
In honor of our European friend,
I got some beer with the two dots over the thing.
Thank you so much.
And for Betsy bear, a nice, cold glass of strawberry milk.
Actually, dad, I'd like a beer.
Whoa.
Hey, Betsy, uh, how about you just share a sip of mine,
and we'll, uh... We'll see how that goes?
Uh, Mr. putch, to thank you for your generous hospitality.
Oh, well, "english truffles.
"With grey sea salt and lavender.
An elegant chocolate experience."
Well, party time, huh?
I'm low carb, but please.
There you go.
Grandma, there you are.
It's quite...
It's gone bad.
Chocolate's gone bad.
No, grandma, it's just fancy.
Help.
All right, everybody, spit out the chocolate.
There's something wrong with 'em.
I'm so sorry.
It's nobody's fault.
They just sold you a bad batch.
In this country, we have something called the fda.
They look out for the little guy.
They make sure this doesn't happen.
♪ And the piano sounds like a carnival ♪
♪ and the mic... ♪
♪ And the mic... ♪
Damn it.
Man, you really ate it on the stairs.
I know.
Dennis, nice sweater-vest.
Dressing very metrosexual.
Do you know that word, Mindy?
Yeah, I remember it.
Hey, I have not seen you in forever.
How are things?
You know what? Honestly, not so good.
I want you to look at something.
Okay.
I just got back from Greece,
and I'm scared I may have contracted olive fingers.
Okay.
Um, that is very serious.
My diagnosis is that you're a huge nerd.
Have you done this routine for everyone?
No, I-I just did it for you.
I want to apologize for how weird our date was
and how I ran out like that.
Oh, I don't think so.
I thought it was going well.
Really?
Hey, babe. Hey.
You gotta be kidding me. Hi.
I was just taking a walk of Gwen's grounds.
I went all the way around.
Wow, cool.
Oh, geeta, this is Mindy. Mindy, this is geeta.
Hi, geeta.
Nice to meet you.
How do you know Gwen and Carl?
I went to college with Gwen.
I went to Princeton too. What year were you?
Mm. 2002.
Oh, no. We didn't overlap.
If you don't mind me asking, are you indian?
Yeah, big-time.
Love to see other brown girls.
Not that hard.
There are literally billions of us.
Um, how did you two meet each other?
We met here, actually, through Gwen and Carl.
Gwen and I are really close.
I'm sorry, you met here at my best friend's house,
through my best friend? Huh.
That's so interesting. Okay, well...
Um, what, Morgan?
Yeah, okay, I'm gonna...
I'll come help you with it.
I'm going to go help Morgan in the kitchen.
Big dinner, can't do that all himself...
Who are you talking to? I'm right here.
Oh.
Morgan, are you throwing your voice again?
What?
He is a crazy talented ventriloquist,
but it gets us into trouble in situations like this.
What did you say?
Whoa, I thought the lamp was talking.
Hey, I'm going to help you in the kitchen
like you asked me to.
Remember?
Okay, okay, I'll go.
Bye, guys.
I, uh, guess I should be taking this.
Look, I know it's weird, but I didn't know she was coming.
Carl invited Dennis, and he brought her.
Look, Gwen, it was a great best-friendship, you know?
Thank you for the good times.
What? Don't be ridiculous.
Why do we always have to go to this dramatic place?
I have houseguests.
Clearly, you have traded me in for a newer model.
I just hope that you have a great run with Mindy 2.0.
I did not set them up.
They met on our "doors of greenwich, Connecticut" tour,
which, if memory serves,
you referred to as "honky-palooza."
That is hilarious, but I don't think that I said that.
Your date with Dennis did not go well.
You said so yourself.
And I am my own worst critic. You know that.
Remember that time we went to karaoke,
and everyone was like,
"Mindy, you are, like, a really good singer.
You should do this professionally."
And I was like, "no, I'm a doctor."
I don't even know why you're freaking out.
You're dating Josh.
I am. But it's not exclusive.
Well, Dennis is ready to settle down,
and clearly, he has found someone more...
More what?
Okay, look.
You are beautiful and smart...
Gwen, more what?
I'm not saying you're a mess.
But I'm not saying you're not.
Well, I am glad to know your diagnosis, Gwen.
And I'm very happy to know what I am.
Could I, uh, have the room?
Sure. Take your time.
Sorry, gang.
We had to put grandma to bed.
Between eating a new food and meeting a new guy,
well, uh, all the excitement was just too much for the old girl.
Jeremy and I are going to go to clacker's
and play air hockey.
But we have an air-hockey table in the basement.
That's nok hockey!
Volume, Betsy... your grandma's trying to rest.
Is someone in the house?
Now that's gonna be a whole thing.
Betsy, I think maybe clacker's is best left
for another time.
On Thanksgiving, we putches, we... we stick together.
Huh?
Hey, guys. Is, uh, dinner ready yet?
Uh, Mindy, why are you wearing my dress?
I just figured, if I'm going to be a mess,
might as well be a hot mess, right?
Couldn't change, anyway.
I'm not wearing any underwear. Couldn't find any.
Dennis.
Take a picture, why don't you?
It'll last longer.
You gross pervert.
You are now competing with that turkey
For the best-looking bird.
Dennis, you are bad news. You are.
I got to watch out for you.
Mmm, Doris, everything is just wonderful.
And, Gene, thank you so much again for this shirt.
It feels amazing.
It's so billowy.
Well, I noticed you admiring mine,
so I thought I'd let you take one out for a spin, eh?
Really makes you feel like a hang-ten dude.
Quite.
Gene, you are a stitch.
Hey, um, Jeremy,
would you happen to know a song called the gobble-wobble?
Dad!
Yes.
It's just a dumb song I made up when I was a kid.
I don't even remember it.
Come on, Betsy bear, let's hear it, huh?
Betsy bear.
Betsy bear, Betsy bear.
Betsy bear...
Stop calling me Betsy bear!
You stopped calling Gordon "pickles."
Well, I don't eat pickles anymore.
I am sick of being treated like a child.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Hey.
I thought I'd find you in here.
Why's that?
I checked, like, four places before this.
Where's geeta?
She had to go.
There was a break-in reported
at one of her listings, so...
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Yeah.
You know, I've always thought
Thanksgiving was kind of a romantic holiday,
actually.
Just like the cozy fires
and the crisp autumn air.
Potatoes.
I'm sorry.
Dennis, potatoes.
You know, Mindy, you're a lot different
than when we went on that date.
I'm just kind of, like, crazy,
like, unpredictable, adorable,
and so, like, just impulsive.
I'm a lot like the weather, actually.
Okay.
Ah, the earth.
Where should I live next?
India?
Oh, God. Okay.
Do-over.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, whatever, jerk.
I have never told anyone this.
One time I was on a flight,
and I was so hungry that I told the flight attendant
I was kosher 'cause they serve those meals first,
and this poor rabbi two rows back
didn't get to eat.
Dennis, you're so bad.
Well, I mean, I guess I felt pretty guilty about it.
Yeah? Did you like that guilty feeling?
Yeah. I feel like you did.
Kind of.
Mindy!
Oh, God!
Oh, sorry. Okay.
I-I... this is my fault.
I let things get out of hand.
No, it was my fault.
I instigated it, and he loved it.
Dennis!
Honestly, I'm as surprised as you are.
I'm not.
I, um...
I had a lot of iced tea with dinner,
so I have to, uh, pee.
Excuse me. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'm gonna hook up
with your indian friend's boyfriend tonight,
probably, like, right here in your husband's weird den,
because I'm a mess, Gwen.
You know, Mindy. Yeah?
You're acting like a huge bitch.
Oh, I'm acting like a bitch?
Yeah, bitch.
Let's dance. Let's.
Oh, hey.
What a great photo of governor pataki.
I didn't know that Carl met him.
What an heirloom.
Is that how you want to play this?
Because now...
It's on!
All right, okay. I'm sorry.
You are in the middle
of ruining my Thanksgiving!
Why do you care who I hook up with?
You're ruining my dress! So what?
You guys want to see how many push-ups I can do?
Stop chasing me, Gwen!
Saying sorry won't help you now.
68, 69, 70!
Talk to the universal remote, bitch!
Ow!
God, what is the matter with you, you crazy...
I'm sorry, is this Wayne Manor?
Your husband is such a dork.
Don't talk about Carl like that!
97!
Come on!
98! 99!
One more!
100!
Gwen!
You're being a total psychopath!
Stay still for two seconds.
Get your big, fat body off of me, you...
Hold on, Josh is calling.
Phone truce. Phone truce, Gwen.
Oh, so what? You're not even that into him.
I am into him.
But you don't want to be exclusive with him.
I do want to be exclusive with him.
He just doesn't want to be exclusive with me.
Well, why didn't you just tell me that?
Because it's embarrassing, all right?
It's embarrassing to tell you
that my boyfriend wants to have sex with other women.
But he just called you.
All that proves is that my phone number is in his phone,
and he's got plenty of those.
You don't know what he wanted to say.
What difference would it make?
What are you doing?
It's for the best. I hit dial.
Gwen, if this had a cord, I would choke you out right...
Mindy?
Hey, Josh.
May I come in?
Yeah.
Betsy, Betsy.
Dr. Reed, do you know what it's like
to be treated like a child even though you're not?
No, Betsy. And you know what?
I wish I did.
I wasn't treated like a child
even when I was one.
When I was ten, my father told me to be a man
and tell my mother he wanted a divorce.
Whoa.
She took it pretty well.
She told me to tell him
they'd been growing apart for years.
The point is,
being treated like a child
isn't the worst thing in the world.
And you've only got to do it one day a year.
They're pretty bad at Christmas too.
So two days.
And easter.
Whenever you're home, Betsy.
Come on. Let's go downstairs.
Hmm?
Josh, where are you?
I'm at a strip club in Atlanta with some players I rep.
The buffet here is all over the place...
Turkey, sushi, pizza.
It's weird. I wish you could see it.
Josh, why are you calling me from a strip club in Atlanta?
Because I miss you.
I'm sorry. I didn't hear what you said.
Can you just repeat it?
You totally heard me.
The reception in the strip club is spectacular.
Okay, well, the reception at the strip club
that I am in is not that good.
Just please repeat yourself.
Put it this way, kid.
Two girls just offered to take me
to a back room and "grind the pretty out of me,"
and all I can do is think about one girl
who's 1,000 miles away.
Well, that is just about the grossest thing
that anyone has ever said to me.
Anyway,
since I'm keeping it zipped for you,
I just thought it might be nice
if you kept it zipped for me too.
Okay, so I'm sorry.
It sounds like now you want to be exclusive with me.
Am I on speakerphone?
Hi, Josh. I'm Gwen.
It's Gwen, my best friend.
Oh, hey.
Okay, so, before, you didn't want to be exclusive,
but now all of a sudden, you do.
Look, I-I'm sorry.
I-I made a mistake.
Apology accepted.
Uh, yeah, I think that could work.
I think I could be exclusive. I don't know.
Okay, cool.
Okay, well, I got to go
prevent some adulteries from happening, but...
Happy Thanksgiving.
See?
Every time I kick your ass, something good happens.
I think you should kick my ass on the regular.
Mm-hmm.
♪ And the piano sounds like a carnival ♪
♪ and the microphone smells like a beer ♪
♪ and they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar ♪
♪ and say, "man, what are you doing here?" ♪
Yes!
Yeah.
♪ Hey, little pilgrim, what do you say? ♪
♪ let's all eat some turkey today ♪
♪ and you do the gobble-wobble ♪
♪ the gobble-wobble ♪
Mmm.
So glad that we, uh, didn't make out back there.
What?
It was getting pretty hot, so it's good
that we definitely stopped short of kissing.
Right.
Yeah, it's definitely good that we...
Definitely did not make out.
♪ And the piano sounds ♪
Look like a cheetah.
♪ Like a carnival ♪
♪ and the microphone smells like a beer ♪
♪ and they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar ♪
♪ and say, "man, what are you doing here?" ♪
♪ oh, la, la, la ♪
♪ di, di, da ♪
♪ la, la, di, di, da, da, da ♪
♪ sing us a song, you're the piano man ♪
♪ sing us a song tonight ♪
♪ well, we're all in the mood for a melody ♪
♪ and you've got us feeling all right ♪
Go to bed.